they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Randomize
