Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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