i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Holy sore nipples Batman
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
