I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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