I feel like abortions should bother me more
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
