The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
