my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
