dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
