I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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