I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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