Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Randomize
