I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
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