We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
