man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Randomize
