I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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