He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Randomize
