also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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