Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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