my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
Randomize
