when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
