3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
