the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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