Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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