Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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