you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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