are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
