His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
