$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
