Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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