She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
you traded sex for a burrito?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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