Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Randomize
