put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
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