I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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