My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Can we just discuss how hundreds of miles away we were both beyond drunk and in some boys bed. That is the definition of friendship.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
