I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Randomize
