I can text with my tongue
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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