Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Randomize
