look no pants
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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