i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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