The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
