Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
