How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
