if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
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