Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
