Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
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