I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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