Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Randomize
