i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The uberlube is also flammable
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Randomize
