if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
