you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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