my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Randomize
