I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
He had some BAD nuttage
Nuttage?
It's like cleavage......... but different
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
