honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
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