FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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