My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
