The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
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