i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
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Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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