Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
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